I am not struggling because i’m insecure

Written by Essence Wynter

I am not struggling because I am insecure. You see I suffer from a societal effect caused by constant neglect and disinvestment. I have imposter syndrome and although I have recently learned the word that fits the pain it is not new.

As a black woman, the likelihood of seeing myself in spaces and leaders is rare. This syndrome only begins to explain the depths of my despair. It is not a college problem, it is not restricted to classrooms and cafeterias. It is the feeling you get when you move in a upper class neighborhood and you feel the need to immediately change the address on your license, so no one can tell you where you live. It is the feeling of starting a new job and having to code-switch until you find the one coworker that makes you feel safe. It is keeping in your good ideas because you don’t want to be too pushy because passion is always equivalent to aggression.

I am not struggling because I am insecure. I am struggling because of a need to fit into every mold because this is the key to survival or at least that’s what I am told. We want someone who is flexible. We want someone who is a team- player, We want someone who is like family. NO… you want someone who is agreeable, you want someone who does not challenge the status quo, you want someone who acts and looks like you.

I am not struggling because I am insecure. I know what is expected of me even when it is not clearly articulated to me. You see the struggle comes from not wanting to do it. I do not want to be your yes man, I am not agreeable, I am not looking for family, I am looking for change. I am looking for a system upon which is seeking to disrupt and be bold in its approach.

So you see I am not struggling because I am insecure, I am struggling because I do not belong and rightfully so.

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