Written by Robert D. Brown, Ed.D.
My mother was a single parent with two young children, and for the most part, I had a healthy childhood. I was healthy and I was provided for, but I was not very happy. My mother was physically and emotionally abusive, and that took a toll on my emotional development.
Recently, though, my mother asked me why I have such a hard time remembering parts of my childhood. After talking with her and taking some time to process it all, I realized a couple things. The first thing I realized is that I simply cannot remember a lot of the fun things and positive details from my childhood, but I can vividly remember all the yelling and screaming and terrible things that were said. I do have fuzzy memories of a few good things, but they appear in my mind out of focus and detached…like watching pieces of blurry pictures in a photo album. But when it comes to the yelling and name-calling and verbal abuse, I can remember where everyone was standing and wearing, I can remember whether it was day or night, sunny or cloudy, and I can remember the words clearly. The second thing I realized is that my mother is the opposite. She remembers a lot of details about the trips and birthday parties and outings and all kinds of fantastic events of my childhood, but she can’t remember details of the abuse the way I can.
The other interesting thing about all of this is that I have really unclear and vague memories of the physical abuse. I vaguely remember having been hit, slapped, and beaten with belts, but all the details are blank.
I spent some time reflecting on all of this, and the way I make sense of it all is by differentiating the results of physical abuse and psychological abuse. Being slapped or hit or beat with a belt can definitely hurt, but the honest truth is that the physical pain disappeared for me the next day. However, the thing that remains after the physical pain is the psychological pain. It lingers and it shapes the thoughts we develop of ourselves and of others. The psychological pain washes through all of our understandings until we begin to see the world through the lens of that pain.
I believe that I can easily remember details of arguments and verbal abuse because recalling details is a part of my childhood defense mechanism. For example, if I could remember what I was doing and saying prior to my mother telling me she wished I was never born, then I could prevent it from happening next time.
During one of my classes in the therapy program in which I am currently enrolled, I learned that psychological abuse is the large umbrella term underneath which exists the two smaller categories of mental abuse and emotional abuse. Mental abuse is cognitively driven and deals with the control of someone else’s perceptions or knowledge. It includes gaslighting or other tactics that attempt to distort reality. Emotional abuse, on the other hand, includes shouting, name-calling, blaming, withholding affection, and other emotionally-driven controlling actions.
The mental and emotional abuse I was subjected to stayed with me because my young and developing childhood brain attempted to make sense of what was being told to me. Repeated psychological abuse can lead to anxiety, depression, neurotic personality traits, self-esteem issues, excessive perfectionism, placating, and a host of other mental health concerns that affect future relationships as adults. For some people (myself included), psychological abuse may be more detrimental than physical abuse for a couple of reasons. The first reason is that the trauma remains in the brain and can often be hidden from view. Unlike physical abuse which is often easier to spot by mandated reporters because of bruises or injuries, psychological abuse is often done verbally and in private, so there are fewer signs. The second reason why psychological abuse may be more detrimental to some people is because of the ways in which it shapes personality and perceptions of the world. Psychological abuse is linked to many negative outcomes including psychosis, substance abuse, despondency, depression, suicidal ideation, and overall poor self-image.
Children are still learning how to think, how to manage their emotions, and how to form opinions of themselves and the world. When they become adults, they are more likely to experience trust issues, communication problems, and negative self-image, and they are more likely to perceive the world as unsafe.
It took me a lot of healing work (a bit more than a year) to process the majority of my childhood with therapists. And the truth is that things still come up in my relationships that cause me to re-examine all of that pain. But therapy is very effective, and I encourage everyone reading this to work with a therapist to process childhood trauma.
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