Written by Kiana
After losing my father to a tragic accident a few years ago, my life has forever been changed.
Losing a big chunk of your heart may never heal and living with this new reality is extremely challenging.
For the first year everyone is very interested in your well-being and more sensitive around “dad” or “death” topics. You get asked everyday how you are doing and you put on a brave face and say “i’m okay” because the real feeling is traumatizing to just dump on loved ones. Many people bring food and flowers and come to take care of needs around the house. Your expression is blank and you force a smile here and there so no one thinks you are not progressing with time.
After a year, things do seem better once you have a new routine and rhythm to your life, but the grief comes in waves. It will hit you like a truck in the fast food drive-thru, when you’re just watching a movie, and some days laying in bed crying it all out. The one-year anniversary passes and many of your friends and family acknowledge and check in. After that, the check-ins become less frequent.
Two to three years pass and you are expected to”move on”. Grief does not have a timeline but many people preach that “time heals all”. Friends and family continue forward, they do not ask how you are unless you share that you are not doing well. They get concerned instead of showing the compassion they first expressed to you in the beginning. Eventually, you keep certain thoughts to yourself and privately have those moments of sorrow.
Others may move on and continue with their lives thinking you have to, but I will always hold my grief. The intensity over time has lessened, however, I will forever grieve my dad. Everyday I think of him, and wish I could just hug him one more time, speak to him one more time, or just see him one more time. Still, I know he is here in spirit and is always here for me for my good times and bad. He may not be physically present, but I believe he’s looking out for me eternally.
Grief and its process is not structured and organized to specifics as we all have unique experiences.
I may not be in my bed everyday crying like in the beginning, but I will continue to grieve for my dad as it’s all the unexpressed love I didn’t have a chance to share with him since.
For me, my grief is forever and it’s okay.
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