Written by Chisato Hotta, DSW, LPCC, LMFT
Trigger Warning: This post discusses sexual trauma. If activated, TILA recommends incorporating healing practices such as moving, walking, running, pushing against a wall, connecting with people who are supportive and empathetic, and taking a break at any time.
A few years ago, I was sexually assaulted by my best friend. Writing those words always makes me think of him- we had been friends for 8 years. Through the ups and downs, we always held together.
When I couldn’t sleep, he was the person I would reach out to. When I had a bad day, he was my one phone call away. Whenever we would be together, people- even strangers- would remark at how he looks at me. We would always laugh and say, “that ship sailed a long time ago. We’re just friends.” We loved each other, even though we were so different. I miss those days, still to this day.
One thing that we don’t talk enough about in regards to sexual assault is that it is not only the assault that causes pain and trauma. It is the loss of trust.
According to the CDC, “The perpetrator of sexual violence is usually someone the survivor knows, such as a friend, current or former intimate partner, coworker, neighbor, or family member” . This was true for myself in the multiple times that I have been assaulted. When an assault happens by someone we know, we are left with multiple questions, including, “who else could do this to me?” The world can feel less safe.
Although it is documented that 9 out of 10 sexual assault survivors are female, I do want to point out that this statistic could be skewed, because many men do not report sexual assault. When we view through the lens of stigma, being sexually assaulted, has so much stigma around it, and it increases when the survivor is a male.
Sexual assault is a widespread problem, that is fueled by many injustices. The ideas that women are “weaker” and “lower” than men, certain races being promiscuous, the way a person dresses being defined as “easy,” and more! These injustices not only fuel sexual assault continuing, it also silences survivor voices.
You may be asking yourself, “ok, so what can I do to battle against sexual assault?” There are many things that we can do. It starts with confronting these injustices that feed into sexual assault happening, and being silenced when it does happen. Examine them and explore them. Then, speak out against them. Another thing that we can do is to believe survivors when they tell their stories. So many times, survivors have told me, “you’re the first person that didn’t ask me what I was wearing that day… You’re the first person that didn’t say ‘why were you drinking?’” Being able to hold space and say, “I believe you. What happened was not ok” can be hard, but also so important.
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