Written by Chisato Hotta, DSW, LPCC, LMFT
Trigger Warning:
This post discusses domestic violence. If activated, TILA recommends incorporating healing practices such as moving, walking, running, pushing against a wall, connecting with people who are supportive and empathetic, and taking a break at any time.
Have you ever been with someone that you know is not good for you, but you just have no idea how to break away from them? I have. When I was 17 years old, I met T. T was 19, and had a very traumatic childhood. His father had been extremely violent towards him growing up. I was T’s first girlfriend, and in his defense, I do not think he realized the amount of anger and pain he had within himself until we got together. At 18, I was living with T. This was the time where his anger started to boil over.
It started with him controlling who I spoke with, where I went, what time I slept/woke up, etc. Then, one day, it exploded into him punching me in the eye. Looking back, I can still remember the shock he had in his face. He promised that it would never happen again. Unfortunately, that was not a promise that he could fulfill.
Now, over 20 years later, I can look back and see that he was wounded. When he was angry, he would turn into his father. His father had taught him that this was how to handle anger. Although he hated his father, they were so similar. When his father was calm, he was actually a very likable man. T was too. When T was calm, he was kind, quiet, funny, sweet- a talented musician and a soccer player. When was mad, he would hit, kick, punch, yell, etc.
One day, T got upset because I “cooked the rice wrong” and he threw the boiling pot of rice at me. I realized that if I stayed, no exaggeration, he would kill me. Maybe not on purpose, but it would happen. So, I left.
Leaving was one of the hardest things I have done, especially at that point in my life. He had a hold on me, and I saw so much of the good in him. I saw his pain and wanted to take it away. I had to realize that it was not my job to take away his pain… Nor could I, even if I wanted to.
I share my journey and experience because I want to do 2 things: 1. If you are someone that is stuck in a relationship like this, I want you to know that it is not your fault. Please be safe and know that you are important. 2. If you know someone who is in a relationship like this, please know that no one wants to be in a relationship like this. People, like me, stay because we see the “what if” and the positives.
Be empathic- lend a listening ear, give them resources for places to go and to heal once they are ready.
For more information on trauma and healing please visit our resources on our website. To participate in discussions about trauma and social justice, please attend our TILA chats from 6 pm-7 pm on the second Monday of every month.