Written by Kiana Mannani
Photo by i yunmai on Unsplash
Ever since I was a child, I have been made aware I was overweight. My mom, aunts, cousins, school children, TV shows, magazines, and commercials all felt targeted to me.
As a child, I would cry from the comments and resent those who never had to feel these feelings. They would never understand the struggles I deal with and what goes on at home with snide comments here and there.
I got older and gained much more weight. My heaviest was in high school, and that is when I decided to change. I began working out and eating healthy and started feeling so much better.
With the weight loss, I was not only feeling better physically, but my mental health was also improving until I reached a plateau in weight loss.
I got stuck on an arbitrary number that was making me dissatisfied. I wanted to be smaller, leaner, and more athletic to reach this random number I needed to meet.
I began to starve myself and work out for obscene amounts of time at the gym, trying to burn as many calories as I could, but nothing would budge.
After a trip to South America, I got very ill and was hospitalized. There, the doctor told me I could have died, and that’s when my world shifted.
I came back home so ill and was scared of the person I saw back in the mirror. I started to eat more and not work out as much again. I started enjoying life again and was not so worried about the number on the scale. Yes, I was becoming more fuller-figured, but I found my curves beautiful and was more confident than ever.
Suddenly, my father passed, and I went down a dark hole. I gave up entirely on being healthy for my body and my mind. I did not care about what I ate or how physically active I was. I just wanted to barely exist and move on with life in a mundane world.
Now that I am evolving from that deep grief, I realize that my mind and body’s health is the most essential thing in my life! I recently decided to get my life back and stop moping about. I am slowly getting into a routine of being physically active and eating better.
There is no rush for me this time and no number I feel obsessed over. I just want to feel happy and healthy and begin this new chapter of life with light and joy. I still have negative thoughts and drops of confidence, but I try to persist!
This journey will be long, but I am hopeful that my past battles will strengthen the peace I will have in the future.
For more information on trauma and healing please visit our resources on the TILA website.