Written by Chisato Hotta, DSW, LPCC, LMFT
Trigger Warning: This post discusses multiple forms of trauma. If activated, TILA recommends incorporating healing practices such as moving, walking, running, pushing against a wall, connecting with people who are supportive and empathetic, and taking a break at any time.
Have you ever had a moment that you knew your life shifted from where it was up until then? I have had several. One of them was when I was in my early twenties. I still remember to this day, 20 years later. I was in my room, afraid of the world. I had been diagnosed a few months ago with PTSD, ADHD, MDD and panic disorder. So many letters, right? I had spoken with a friend of mine on the phone. I had a handful of friends that I was not afraid of- people who had shown me that they were safe over and over again. My mind was racing for some reason, going through all the things that I had gone through. Sexual assault, kidnapping, being kept in a room for a week, domestic violence… I felt so much guilt, so much shame and I felt so “wrong and dirty.” And then, for some reason, it hit me.
I was carrying a guilt, a burden, that was not mine to carry. I was not the person that decided to hurt another person for their own desires. I was not the person that hurt someone that I proclaimed to love and care for. I was not the person that hurt someone on purpose. So, why was I carrying this burden? It was then I decided to put it down. I put down the very heavy burden and allowed myself to be kind to myself. Whenever I would start noticing that I was blaming myself from something that had happened to me, I reminded myself that it had happened TO me, not BY me. This shift of thinking was a huge thing that propelled me in my healing.
Even after all these years, I still explore within my self if I am struggling with guilt over something that happened TO me or BY me. That doesn’t mean that there are not moments that I have made mistakes. Of course I have- and acknowledging mistakes are important to our growth. However, when we spend so much time carrying guilt that is not ours to carry, sometimes, it can stunt our growth. Because… How can we grow from something that was never ours to hold? So the next time you notice yourself struggling with guilt or shame, ask yourself: Did this happen TO me? Or did this happen BY me?
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