Written by Lidia Vargas, MSW
IHow do you forgive someone that hurt you who never said “I’m sorry”? Sometimes people are forced to forgive without receiving an apology. This, unfortunately, can turn into an overwhelming, painful and emotionally draining process when we don’t hear those two words and can’t get the closure we wish. My father died when I was 11 years old. He was living in the U.S. and I lived in Honduras. As a child, I did not understand that he was never a part of my life, of my upbringing, and that there was more than just the physical distance separating us from having a father-daughter relationship. I would hear my grandmother and other family members speak about him so I assume that he was in some way there for me. However, there were moments during my childhood in which I needed him and he wasn’t there. Every year on my birthday or Christmas, I expected a phone call that never came. I sent him letters that never got a response. My grandmother, who raised me, being as loving and caring as she was, would say that he was busy working. Of course, I believed her every time because how could she lie to me? Oh the innocence of a child!
When he died, I didn’t feel anything, it felt like he was a stranger to me. I looked around at everyone and they had so much sadness in their eyes, but not me. I couldn’t understand it. I carried on for many years like that, I guess as a child I figured since he was never physically present, my life couldn’t change much after it. However, it was during my orientation day as a freshman in college when it suddenly hit me. “Oh crap, I don’t have a dad.” Seeing students being dropped off by their fathers hit me like a brick in the face. A wave of confusion rushed through my body and a nasty feeling in my stomach led to tears in my eyes. I came to later understand that I experienced a delayed grieving and all of its stages. It started off with confusion and denial, I did not understand why I had to be feeling and going through it after so many years. It was supposed to be over. I wasn’t even supposed to not have a dad. Then came anger with a combination of depression. I was so angry at my dad. At the missed birthday calls. At the unanswered letters. At not being able to ask him the questions I had about his absence during my childhood. My self-esteem began to decline, and for the first time I felt a deep sadness that affected my relationships with others and many areas of my life. In the middle of the emotional commotion, I began to tell myself that maybe he had his reasons, maybe he worked hard and would forget unintentionally, that I should snap out of my pain because I didn’t really know what was happening. I even went as far as blaming myself because I thought maybe I said something in my letters that upset him. All this created so much trauma and insecurities. Deep wounds that carried into adulthood and affected me by making decisions that were not always healthy for my overall well-being at times.
Years in continued therapy and maturing helped me accept my dad’s death. Accept that I wasn’t going to get answers to most of my questions. Although I found partial answers through family members, I know that I will never get the whole truth as to why he wasn’t there for me. When my father died, I kept his wallet. Inside of it I found one of my letters and it brought some sort of comfort and the courage my heart needed to start my healing process. It made me feel like he thought of me despite never calling. That he cared enough to save one of my letters. Therapy has helped uncover different layers of the trauma and hurt I experienced all those years. It has helped see that my father, too, had his own trauma that he had to heal and probably never did. The more I work on myself, the more I understand that individuals are complex and even if my dad was alive, he probably wouldn’t be able to answer a lot of my questions. That in itself, has given me closure to forgive him. Has given me the strength to continue on my healing journey and be okay with what is, instead of what I wish it could have been. To forgive him without getting an apology.
For more information on trauma and trauma informed care, please visit our resources on our website.