Written by Chisato Hotta, DSW, LPCC, LMFT
As a therapist, one of my main roles is to help others when they ask for help. As a friend, I have always been the friend that people go to when they are struggling. Many years ago, one of my close friends said to me, “I go to Chisato. ____ goes to Chisato. ____ goes to Chisato… Who does Chisato go to?” I remember laughing and saying, “meehhh, no one really.”
One of the things that many of my clients who have gone through trauma says is that they don’t want to burden their loved ones with their problems. That their problems are too heavy for others.
I understand this feelings- I had the same feeling for years and years too. Honestly, I still do struggle with asking for help from people. I know it’s a trauma response- the feeling that I have to do “everything myself”. I also know though, that there are people that I CAN ask for help with. One of the things that was helpful is the realization that I don’t have to ask for 100% of my help from one person.
Looking at the people around me, I can say that if I want to vent to just vent, I have someone that I can think of. If I want someone to help me see the positives of a situation, I have someone that I can go to. If I want someone to help me be realistic, I have someone that I can go to… and so on.
If we can separate out the help that we ask for, then, the “problem” may not be too heavy- because the weight is divided up into sections! It may be too heavy for one person to carry- and if it is, it’s also too heavy for ourselves!- but it may not be if we can divide it! The support doesn’t have to come from one person.
I remember thinking for a long time, “I can’t go to anyone, because it’s too much. My past is too much.” And the truth is, yes, my past trauma is a lot. And, it is helpful to know who I can go to for multiple things- so I’m not putting it all on one person. And, what happens if that person is busy? Or they are struggling? That isn’t fair to anyone! Realizing that, I started to really think who I can go to what support for. I am eternally grateful for my amazing support system that I do have.
So… I encourage my clients to try to do the same. Who can they go to if they just want to have a good time? Who can they go to just vent? Who can they go to laugh with? Who can they just sit with when they are struggling? I encourage you to think of it too- what support would be helpful and who can you go to for little parts of those supports?
For more information on trauma and trauma informed care, please visit our resources on our website.