Written by Chisato Hotta, DSW, LMFT, LPCC
The other day, I was part of a meeting that got me thinking. Originally, I wasn’t sure if I would be able to go to the meeting since I had another meeting. Since my meeting had ended earlier than scheduled, I hopped in the other meeting. From the beginning, I could tell that the meeting was heated. There were people who were obviously traumatized by certain events and cascading responses that have been happening, and had been personally affected by it. There were people trying to understand. There were people who were Obviously shocked about what was happening. It was obvious that the original agenda or topic of the conversation was not in the vicinity anymore.
As an over talker, one thing that I worked hard on in my life was truly listening to understand. What I could see is that there was so much pain. And that the pain was overwhelming that there was no actual communication happening. It was just… talking over each other. And if there was any idea that felt different to their own, it felt like an attack to them. Any attempt to bring back the conversation to the topic at hand seemed like it was taken as “shutting down”. Others also expressed feeling unsafe by the conversation that was happening and that the handful of individuals were “taking over the conversation.”
After the meeting, I processed my feelings and thoughts. As someone who has ADHD and my own experiences with trauma, and as a therapist who has had a lot of experience with trauma, I try to allow myself the opportunity to sit and process what is happening internally. If I don’t, it can get jumbled and confusing.
My conclusion was similar to a few other conversations that I’ve had on the same topic. When we are so raw in our pain, it is difficult to communicate with each other because… it feels like a raw wound. So any touch, whether gentle or not, is extremely painful. You want to protect yourself from any one touching that wound. Because it’s so raw.
So, I leave you with a question… How can we have these conversations when the wound is so raw? What can we do to create a safe place for everyone so we can all feel safe to express ourselves without fear? I don’t know if I have a great answer. But my answer is- let’s come from a place of curiosity, instead of judgement or assumptions. That is the first step.
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