Written by Chisato Hotta, DSW, LPCC, LMFT
Multiple sides to stories
Many years ago, I was glued to the screen of my television staring at it in disbelief. My friend was missing and it was national news. Months passed without knowing what had happened. Unfortunately, her remains were found a few months later.
Our mutual friend was arrested for her murder. It’s a long story that I will not go into- what I wanted to talk about is what I learned from the experience.
One, the media tends to skew the story to make it as sensational as possible. This is understandable, but it was harrowing to see how much the media only told one side of the story that cleanly fit into their narrative.
Two, and more importantly, was how quickly people turned against each other. The experience taught me, more than anything, what true friendship and love meant. In the experience, I lost quite a few people around me. Even from the same friend group, there was a clear split. While it is understandable, it was sad to witness. But… it also strengthened my bonds with certain people too. The bonds are still very much there many years later.
I share this- not because I want sympathy, but becauseI truly believe that part of being trauma informed is acknowledging that there are multiple sides to our stories. Depending on who you ask, there may be villains and heroes. There may be right or wrong. But the truth is, it’s usually somewhere in the middle.
Although sometimes, there are people or systems that are “bad”, in general, most of us are not. We’re just trying our best to figure out the world. All of our stories are skewed, because they are from our lens that was created through our life experiences, and also from what we learned about the world. Each one of us has a different lens- and coming from a place of curiosity is so hard, but also, so important. Although it can be easy to label others or ourselves (“they’re crazy”) that can shut the door to conversation and understanding.
So instead, I encourage us- myself included- try to come from a place of curiosity. Don’t be so quick to judge and label. It doesn’t do any of us any good.
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