Written by Chisato Hotta, DSW, LPCC, LMFT
Trigger Warning: This post discusses multiple forms of trauma including graphic descriptions of sexual trauma, physical trauma,emotional trauma and domestic violence/Intimate Partner Violence. If activated, TILA recommends incorporating healing practices such as moving, walking, running, pushing against a wall, connecting with people who are supportive and empathetic, and taking a break at any time.
When I was 20 years old, I was diagnosed with Post traumatic stress disorder, major depressive disorder, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and panic disorder. I could not leave my house without having panic attacks. I know this may sound like I’m exaggerating, but I promise you, I’m not. I stopped being able to leave the house. I had an amazing friend who would bring me food and groceries and make sure that I was okay. I had a handful of amazing friends who checked in on me to make sure I was alive.
By the time I was 20, I had been through quite a few things, including domestic violence, multiple sexual assaults, kidnapping and more. The straw that broke the camel’s back was that I had gone to the doctor due to my back being in tremendous pain. My ex had been extremely abusive-one of the things that he was hit my back with a baseball bat. He also kicked me quite often on my back (and he played soccer).
I remember going into the doctor’s office, hesitantly sharing what had happened and my back being in pain. He ran a few tests and shared with me, with a grave face, that unfortunately, my back had pretty severe nerve damage, and my nerves were basically firing off pain signal constantly. There was nothing that could be done. He suggested that I think about getting a wheelchair, since movement was painful for me. The thing is, sitting was also painful.
It has been over 20 years since that appointment. I lost a lot due to my back- I changed my career path (I couldn’t be on my feet all day without being in so much pain that I couldn’t move), my ability to walk as long as I used to, my ability to sit for long periods of time and so much more. I’m not in a wheelchair, although that is something that is always in the realm of possibilities. I am still in constant pain- but it’s now my normal.
Unlike my physical pain, thankfully, my emotional wound from my trauma has healed in some way. I can’t say that it doesn’t impact me at all- because that would be a lie. But I can say that I am not the person I was back then. I healed in a lot of ways.
Sometimes, trauma teaches us things that are not true. And healing can come from unlearning those lessons. For example, my trauma taught me that there is no one is safe. I had to learn who was safe – and who wasn’t. Another lesson my trauma taught me was to hold on people, whether they were safe or not. And to blame myself and say that it is ok. I had to unlearn that and learn what to do when I realized that someone wasn’t safe. To be able to step back and say “wait, this isn’t ok” and “it’s ok to walk away” was hard. It’s a lesson I continue to learn to this day. I also learned that it is ok to lean on the ones who are safe. To show them my weaknesses and say “I’m not ok.” This is something I continue to learn too! I always feel like a burden- and to remind myself that I’m not a burden, that it’s ok to not be strong all the time- is a life long lesson for me. When my back acts up and hurts more than normal, to the point where I can’t move without gasping in pain, or I can’t get out of bed at all, I remind myself that I’m not a burden. Although my trauma taught me that showing weakness would make me a burden and I’m only worthy if I’m doing things for others, my back forces me to remember- that isn’t true.
If you are reading this and your trauma has taught you things that are hurting you- dear reader- please take this moment to remind yourself: you are worthy of healing. What are things that trauma taught you that you had to unlearn?
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